Finding, Not Fueling My Passion

Finding, Not Fueling My Passion

From the moment I made my decision to step back from the blog, I have really tried to completely separate myself from it. And overall it has been a huge relief. To not have the nagging thought of ‘what new outfit do I need to buy for this upcoming trip’ has eased my mind (and my bank account if we are being honest). The absence of the slight cringe that would come with posting a picture of myself that was pretty, but I knew really didn’t serve a purpose, has been a welcomed break.

And then after a few weeks of mental relief…boredom. Sigh! You can’t really win either way, can you? Perhaps it was inevitable that I would grow to miss this creative space. But instead of feeling inspired, I felt paralyzed. I didn’t want to be wishy washy or to zig and zag like I had been, desperate to get a post live, scrambling to put up a picture on IG with no real thread tying everything together. I wanted to come back with a PURPOSE. My husband told me to just start writing again so I could find my way. I did that a little bit, got my thoughts out there. But I kept feeling stuck.

Because here’s the thing. I couldn’t find my PASSION! I yearned for it, I would think I almost had my finger on it, but then it slipped away from me. It was really frustrating, to be honest. I knew it was packaged up inside of me somewhere, but I simply couldn’t find it. I took a few more weeks to reset, refresh, and refocus myself on what it was that sparked my fire, so to speak. And you know what, it took me a little longer than I thought.

I did a few exercises geared at ‘finding your purpose/passions,’ reminisced on my favorite activities as a child, scrolled through photos I’ve taken and/or posted over time. And it ALWAYS came back to food. The grocery store is my happy place. Farmer’s Markets are my ideal shopping destination. Both simple and elaborate cheeseboards can give me butterflies. I plan trips around where and what to eat and drink. My souvenirs come in the form of specialty pastas and liquors and unique seasonings. As a child I created “Merriman’s Market” name after my Felicity doll, and ‘sold’ plastic food in Easter ‘shopping’ baskets to my siblings & neighbors. It had been there all along, gosh darn it!

Truthfully, it probably shouldn’t have been as buried as it ended up being. But I pride myself in my need for perfection (more on that to come), which more often than not becomes debilitating procrastination. I follow the ‘rules’ and go by the ‘should’s’ of the world instead of just DOING something, and I get myself stuck. Passions get buried, intrinsic instincts get snuffed out. I let myself get distracted in the world of blogging/social media/influencer and somehow wrapped all of those things together to the extent where I didn’t feel like myself anymore. Mostly because I started playing around with fashion. While I like to think I have a solid sense of style, it’s far beyond my core expertise or even one of my ultimate interests.

But that’s life right? I admit failure to that extent, but am happy to feel like I finally have a North Star I’m confident following. It actually feels good to realize I was simply playing outside of my skill set. From there it took me a couple of weeks to kick myself into gear as my need for perfection turned itself into debilitating procrastination. (More on that here!)

Going forward, I’m going to focus on those passions, I promise! I also promise to be real and authentic and honest. Hopefully following those truths and capitalizing on my passions will rejuvenate a space that o enjoy creating within, and you enjoy visiting.

Xx,

Jes

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